when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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