I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
