we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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