You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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