I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize