I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
