Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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