not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
