Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
