Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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