Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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