He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
