Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Drunk is not a location!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
