my phone needs a breathalizer
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She announced her abortion via fbk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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