I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
