the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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