I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
