I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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