I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
