At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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