If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she told me i tasted like america
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
