Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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