I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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