she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
