sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
