seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
