Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
