i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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