How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
