They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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