I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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