My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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