yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
