I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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