Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
