why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
