you traded sex for a burrito?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
