Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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