You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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