if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
