I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
