cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
