I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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