batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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