I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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