Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
