I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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