I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
