But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize