i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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