Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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