rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
