I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
