first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
