apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
