The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just pee around me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize