my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
