You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
