This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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