It's like God shit irony all over that family
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
